Canadian Impact: the biggest family guy story ever
by jazman71092
Summary: Brian and stewie team up with fez, napoleon dynamite, and Rachel the cat to defeat canada run by the evil Megatron.
1. Chapter 1:Prologue

Chapter 1: Prologue

Hello. You are about to hear perhaps one of the biggest and most complicated Family Guy stories ever made. I will tell you in advance that ¾ of the characters used are not from Family Guy but from shows or movies. It's sort of like a super mega cross-over type of thing so the only reason it's under Family Guy is because I started with them and their characters are the main characters. I should tell you that there are **3 **sub stories along with the main one so I'll summarize each story.

Main story: Brian and Stewie team up with Fez (That 70's show), Napoleon Dynamite (Napoleon Dynamite…no Duh) and Rachel the cat (OC in case you're wondering). This strange team sets out to defeat Canada, who has suddenly announced war on America, run by the evil Megatron. Meg doesn't help but she tags along. Yes I know it's random but that's the whole reason I think it would make a good story.

Sub story #1: When a new family moves to Quahog, Peter makes friends with a Mr. Homer Simpson. The two kick it off quite nicely but one afternoon, after everyone calls peter a smart ass he finds that it's true! Peter's butt starts to magically talk which is funny for a while but,when peter and homer plan to use it to become rich and famous the butt shows its true colors.

Sub story #2: If you've watched Futurama then you know who Fry and Bender are. It just so happens these two have time traveled to Quahog (the reason will be revealed later) and when they get there Chris becomes quick friends with them. But when their time machine malfunctions the three are sent back in time. While jumping through time the three learn some shocking (or funny or revolting) truths about their pasts. Will they ever get home? (Hypothetical question. I would know the answer, I'm the writer.)

Sub story #3: So far all the Family Guy characters have been mentioned except Lois. This is why the 3rd sub story is about her. With Brian, Stewie, and Meg defeating Canada, peter hanging out with homer, and Chris traveling through time, Lois was devastatingly bored in the empty house. She meets up Marge Simpson and they become best friends in no time. For a reason to be revealed later, Pokemon start to overrun Quahog. With everyone else gone it's up to the two housewives to get the infestation under control. (To me it seems like this story will be harder to write than the others because I didn't give myself a lot to work with. So please don't get mad if this sub story is boring and/or horrible.)

So without further ado, I give to you **CANADIAN IMPACT: THE BIGGEST FAMILY GUY STORY EVER.**

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Location: Ontario, Canada

Time: Five years ago, 9:00pm

Date: July fourth, 2002

There were two Canadian men sitting in lawn chairs near the border. Fireworks could be seen over the lake a couple miles ago but the looks on their faces were not of celebration but of hatred.

"Why do those Americans have to celebrate so cockily every year, eh?" the first one asked.

"If we Canadians weren't so nice we could take over America in a minute, eh." Smirked the second one.

"I wish we had a leader who could lead us to defeat America, eh." Said the first one, just speaking off the top of his head.

As if to answer his prayer a giant fire ball suddenly appeared in the sky. Careening out of control it obliterated the magnificent heart some fireworks had made and then crashed some 200 yards away from the two men who had just been talking. They raced towards it to see what it was. They stopped dead in their tracks about half way there when something suddenly moved from it. Then four ominous figures stepped out (if you can call it stepping) stood only about 50 yards from the Canadians. The four were as different from each other as possible. The one in the middle was the biggest. It was a giant that rose ten stories high and its skin (more like plating) shined in the luminous essence of the growing fire behind it. The one on the left was the size of a tall man (think Shaq but bulkier) and was covered in hair from head to toe. Besides that it looked normal. The next one was the freakiest. As if not needing gravity, it flew through the air with ease and grace, constantly changing its course. It also had the build of a man but it had two spike-like ears sticking up and a long lashing tail. It was surrounded by a sort of aura like cloud as if it had psychic powers. The last one was a cat. A small black tabby cat, completely out of place next to the three strange creatures. And yet, it equally shared the same sense of foreboding that the others had.

The largest one spoke and the other three listened intently probably showing that it was the leader. "You two," it said pointing at the Canadians "This country is now mine. I have established the perfect plan to take over America. It will take five years to get ready. Then my master plan can truly be unleashed."

Looking into its eyes (or whatever they were) was the unmistakable lust for world domination.

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Well what do you think? I know, I kind of droned on there but it's my Writers nature to be descriptive. Please read and review. I should have the next chapter up pretty quickly because I already know what it will be. Please keep watching for more chapters. Thanks for reading it.


	2. Chapter 2:Canada strikes!

Chapter 2: Canada Strikes!

Okay, so this next chapter is much more interesting. But just to let you know I haven't seen all of the episodes of family guy so I might have put something in that's false and if I did just tell me in a review please. Also, the ending to this chapter isn't that great because the next stopping point is too quick and the one after is too long. It's like I'm cutting chapter 2 in half. The setting is the Griffin family house in late September 2007. And thank you Malcolm fox for the idea. I had forgotten that Mila Kunis, who plays Jackie, also voices Meg. Okay now read it and please review it.

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It was a normal Saturday morning on Spooner Street. Stewie climbed out of bed and stopped at the top of the stairs to yawn.

"Ahhhhhhhh," he said smiling "Such a beautiful day. Perfect for WORLD DOMINATION!!!!"

He went down stairs into the kitchen. Lois was at the sink, Chris and Meg were fighting over the last pop tart, and Brian was sitting quietly, sipping coffee (a sure sign that he was getting over a large hangover). Lois turned to see Stewie shuffle in.

"Well good morning sleepyhead" Lois said brightly, lifting him into his high chair.

"Damn you vile woman!" Stewie scowled at her. When he looked at his plate his face lit up. "Oh how delightful! Booberrys!" then he got serious again as Lois walked past.

"Damn you! You know my weakness!" he said through a mouthful of cereal. Brian chuckled to himself.

"What the deuce are you laughing at dog?" Asked Stewie, pointing his spoon at Brian threateningly. (And believe me; Stewie knows how to threaten someone with a spoon.)

"I was just thinking… how are you ever gonna rule the world if you're easily distracted by some stupid Booberrys?" asked Brian.

"Silence Dog!" Demanded Stewie "They are a delicious part of any balanced breakfast."

At that point Peter came walking in with a smile on his face and a rolled up newspaper under his arm. (How clichéd.)

"Aw Sweet! Booberrys!" said peter, reaching for Stewies bowl.

"Never!" shouted Stewie rapping peters knuckles with the spoon. (I told you.)

"Ow!" cried peter squeezing his hurt hand.

"For god sakes peter," said Lois glaring at him "Get your own Booberrys. There's no reason to steal Stewies." She handed him the cereal box.

"Yeah fat man," added Stewie "Don't go all John Goodman on us."

Peter looked down at it. "Aw Sweet! Booberrys!" said peter, happy again.

Brian sighed. Another normal day. He looked out the window to see a cat roaming around in the street. She had showed up in Quahog a couple of weeks ago and had just been aimlessly wandering through town since. At first, Brian had tried to be friendly and welcome her to Quahog (even though he was a dog and she was a cat) but that was about the only time they had interacted with each other. He thought her name was Rachel but he wasn't sure. She was a full grown tabby cat with soft white fur. In fact, she almost looked like the cat version of Brian. Except, she was a girl and was smaller and thinner. She was always so serious and quiet as if she was doing work for the government.

'Hey,' Thought Brian 'Maybe she was here to assassinate Stewie.'

Brian laughed at the thought. Then shuddered at the possibility of it. As she disappeared from view, Brian turned to see that, while deep in his thoughts, he had missed all the action. Apparently, Peter had choked on a booberry and in his panic accidentally knocked a frying pan out of Lois's hand which in turn landed on Chris's head. Lois, in her haste to see if Chris was okay, slipped on some suds and had delivered an uppercut to Meg's chin with her foot. In a few seconds they had all become a moaning pile of Griffins.

Brian sighed. Another normal day.

After laughing himself silly for about a minute, Stewie got over their plight and waddled into the living room. He plopped onto the couch and prepared to start a normal day in the life of Stewart Griffin. Then he thought about what Brian had said.

'I was just thinking… how are you ever gonna rule the world if you're easily distracted by some stupid Booberrys?'

"Well I suppose I _should_ start to work on my master plan" said Stewie, to no-one in particular. "I'll do the fun part first."

He then took out a big political map of the world.

"Which country shall suffer first?" questioned Stewie.

He put one hand over his eyes and then moved his hand around the map in no discernable pattern. He stopped his hand and looked.

"No, that's the Pacific Ocean."

He tried again.

"Yikes. Scotland. A bunch of brutes might actually be a challenge for me. Something easier."

"Well now, isn't Mexico suffering enough?"

"Ugh, Australia. Why don't they just sink it already?"

He tried again. This time he got something.

"What's this? Canada? Why that's an excellent idea! Ahh, Canada. The birthplace of hippies and maple syrup. Taking over Canada shall be easier than saving lots of money on your car insurance by switching to Geico."

Stewie turned to look straight at you.

"Geico, Fifteen minutes or less could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance."

An old adrenaline built up inside Stewie until he couldn't control it.

"VICTORY SHALL BE MINE!!! BWAHAHAHA-HAHAHA-HAHAHA!!!!"

After a while he got bored and turned on the TV.

On the Quahog news Tom and Sharon announced a video message of national importance that had been sent to the president from Canada.

"Oh excellent," said Stewie "after all, the more I know about my target."

But when they played it, it wasn't exactly what Stewie wanted to see. It went some thing like this.

He saw the two Canadian men from chapter one, five years older. They announced that Canada was declaring war on the U.S.

"What the deuce?"

And that they would be lead to victory by their fearsome leader: Megatron!

"What the DEUCE?"

Megatron appeared to be a giant robot that appeared on the screen. He spoke. "My main goal is world domination."

"What the **DEUCE**?" Stewie was too shocked to see the rest of the video.

He turned the TV off. His face was a mixture of surprise and fury. If you're having trouble picturing that, just imagine you just walked in on me and your girlfriend doing it. That expression that's on your face. That's the one. But if you're a girl imagine that someone came to school with the same dress on as you. That's right. That's how Stewie looked. Somebody's wearing his dress. (Metaphorically speaking: Megatron stole his goal of world domination). After a couple minutes of stunned silence Stewie realized that the whole family was right behind him and had seen the video too. Stewie managed to pull himself together enough to shout a quick "Blast!" and leave the room.

"Oh my god, what are we gonna do?" asked Lois concerned.

"It's okay Lois," said peter, who didn't seem worried "There's no way Canada can beat America. They think Curling's a sport! Hehehehehehe."

Brian, knowing Stewies plans for world domination, knew that this must have affected him greatly. 'I had better go see if he's okay.' He thought to himself. He went upstairs to find Stewie working fervently at his play table. He was drawing up some sort of plans.

"Hey man, are you okay?" Brian asked, concerned.

"Now they've done it," Stewie said darkly "Now it's personal!"

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Well? Wasn't I right? Didn't it have more action? Review it please! Also, I definitely would like it if you guys gave me some ideas in your reviews. I have this week off so my progress will be fast but after this week expect the chapters to come slower. Thanks for reading it.


	3. Chapter 3:The Plan

Chapter 3: The Plan

I made a mistake in the last chapter. The anchorwoman on the quahog news is named Diane Simmons and I said Sharon. She looks like a Sharon, doesn't she? Anyways this chapter explains how Stewie plans to defeat Canada so don't skip it. Review it after you read it. Remember, when I get reviews from you guys it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. You guys have given me great reviews so far, let's keep it that way.

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Brian and Stewie were in Stewies room. Stewie grabbed Brian and dragged him over to the corner. He lifted up a poster and pressed a secret button. The wall made a complete turn and the two were in Stewies secret lab. Stewie released brian and went over to a large machine.

"What the hell is all this?" asked brian in awe.

"Well you bloody well didn't think I use Lincoln logs to build my machines did you?" asked Stewie, writing a note.

"What're you writing?" asked brian, seeing the note.

"I know a guy in the year 3007," said Stewie, sealing it in a tube. "since their technology shall be much more advanced they should be able to come back in time and assist me."

"And how do you plan to get the note to them?" asked Brian smugly.

"simple," said Stewie, take the tube to a large chute. "This chute leads to an underground impenetrable fortress. It is programmed to send the tubes I have written, and will write, out in the open in approximately 3000 years."

"How do you know they'll follow the notes instructions?" asked Brian, who was surprised at the logic of it.

"Well if all goes according to my plans, I shall definitely be remembered in history as a merciless overlord." said Stewie, obviously daydreaming about his evil future.

After Stewie was done storing the note, they both went outside and waited for help to come.

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1000 years later.

A floating tour bus moved slowly down Spooner Street. Fry and Bender were in it, fry taking pictures and bender drinking beer. The tour guide stopped the bus to say something.

"Here was the home of Stewart Griffin."

"Ahh, Stewie G." said bender, taking out a cigar and lighting it. "Now that kid had class."

"It sure was cool of Leela to give us these tickets then kick us out. I think we needed a vacation. But what do you think they're doing?" Fry said to bender.

Back at headquarters a huge party was going on.

"Probably just sitting around the TV." said bender.

Suddenly there was a huge explosion at the house. Bender was so surprised he choked on his cigar. "Crap!" he managed. A bunch of small tubes landed on Frys lap.

"What's this?" He opened one up and looked at it. "Whoa! We better take these back to headquarters."

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Back at headquarters.

Fry, Bender, Leela, and the old guy (sorry forgot his name) were sitting at the table.

"This message from Stewie Griffin asks us for a way to defeat Megatron." said fry, reading the note.

"Ah yes, Megatron" said the old guy "There was once a mega suit that could defeat him but it was lost in the 1970's. You two will have to travel back in time and bring Stewie the last person who saw it. Here are the coordinates of where it was last seen." He handed them a sheet of paper.

"Where the hell is…Point Place, Wisconsin?" asked Fry.

"It's in Wisconsin dumbass!" said bender, grabbing some beer for the road.

"Hey, why can't I go?" asked Leela.

"Because then it'd make for an inconvenient plot hole." said the old guy.

As the time machine powered up a blinding flash of red light filled the room and in an instant Fry and Bender were gone.

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1030 years ago: 1977

Point Place, Wisconsin

There was a blinding flash of red light and the time machine appeared behind Eric Forman's Garage. Fry and Bender stepped out. Bender was completely drunk and took about a minute before he joined fry hiding in the bushes.

"Stay down," said Fry. "People would be freaked out if they saw a robot"

"Okey-dokey burger." Bender giggled.

At that point the gang filed out of the basement, fez last. When he saw fez, fry's eyes widened. He jumped out of the bushes.

"Hey, I know you!" fry exclaimed.

"What were you doing hiding in Eric's bushes?" asked fez in his foreign accent.

"Yeah, you're the kid I got exchanged with in the '70s!" said Fry, grabbing fez angrily. "Because you wouldn't leave America I got stuck in that stupid country of"

"Hey!" bender interrupted, getting out of the bushes while he was still drunk. "Who took my fifty bucks?"

"Ai!" fez yelped. "A robot!"

Fry calmed down.

"In a matter of extreme importance, you must come with us to the future." said fry importantly.

"Perhaps I have been in the circle too long." said fez, rubbing his head.

"There'll be (burp) CANDY!" laughed bender, drunk.

"Candy?" asked fez with full attention.

Fry saw that they were onto something.

"Uh, yeah." said fry anxiously "_Future_ candy!

"Then I am in!" said fez.

"great." Then fry loaded them all up into the machine and set it for 2007.

"Here we go!"

In a couple seconds a blinding flash of red light filled the air behind Eric's garage and the time machine disappeared.

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Okay, so I know I messed up with the old guy's name but besides that, I like this chapter. Review it. Now. Thanks for reading.


	4. Chapter 4:Fez and homer join the group

Chapter 4: Fez and Homer join the group

I don't really have anything important to say about this one except Read & Review! There are only two people who have been reading and reviewing but the hits counter tells me there's more than that. Don't lie to me.

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Brian and Stewie had been sitting on the front porch for about half an hour and were bored out of their minds. It was very quiet until Stewie spoke.

"Was Curly the bald one?"

"What?" Asked Brian.

"The Three Stooges. Was Curly the bald one?"

"Uh, yeah he was." said Brian.

"My, that's a bit of a misnomer don't you think?"

"Uh yeah that's kind of the joke."

"Yes but still I-"

In the middle of his sentence Stewie was cut off by a giant flash of red light that appeared out of nowhere in the middle of the street. They shielded their eyes and in a couple seconds it was over. When they looked again the time machine was in the middle of the street and Fry, Bender, and Fez were stepping out. Stewie smiled evilly and walked over to greet his guests.

"Greetings travelers." Said Stewie.

"Are you Stewie?" asked Fry cautiously.

"Why yes I am. I see you got my message."

"You look shorter in person." Bender said rudely.

"Yeah, I'm fry, this is Bender and this is ummm…" Fry suddenly remembered that he had never found out the foreign kid's name. Fez stepped up to present himself.

"Hello, my name is-" At this point an extremely long school bell sounded out from nowhere and completely blocked fez's voice. When he was done everyone was dumbfounded.

"Where did that school bell sound from?" asked Brian confused.

"Did any of you guys catch that?" asked Stewie.

"But my friends call me Fez." Fez finished.

"So tell me _Fezzzzzz_. How can I defeat Megatron?" asked Stewie completely serious.

"What? I just came here for the candy." Said fez.

"Fez isn't from the future. He's from the '70s. Us two are from the future." Corrected Fry.

"Then why the bloody hell did you bring him here?" asked Stewie, tired of all the delays.

"You see, there's this robot suit that can defeat Megatron. But it was lost in the 1970's. We believe this guy knows where it is." Explained Fry.

"Wait a minute are you talking about the big metal man? Kelso and I once found him behind the water tower when we were high. Kelso was playing with it and broke it into ten pieces."

"Blast!" Exclaimed Stewie. "Did it look like it could be repaired?"

"Nothing actually broke. It just fell apart."

"Good. Where is it now?" asked Stewie excited, as if he were about to get a new toy.

"I don't know. I haven't even lived in this time yet. But I did always keep one of the pieces." Fez reached in his shirt and brought out a small metal torso attached to a necklace.

"That's it?" Said Stewie disappointed. "That's the size of the torso of something that can defeat Megatron? I have weapons much more powerful than that!"

"Actually," Fry said, looking at the sheet of paper he had gotten before he left the future. "It says here that if the suit is not complete the pieces will shrink down to a tiny size. It's a defense mechanism. The actual suit is as big as Megatron."

"Oh well in that case, Great!" said Stewie excited again.

"But how are you gonna find the pieces if they're that small? They could be anywhere by now." Brian said.

"Who are you?" asked Fry skeptical.

"Brian Griffin and this time I'm having nothing to do with this stuff."

"Oh come on now Brian. You've always loved doing this sort of stuff before." Said Stewie, who actually was really hoping Brian would come. After all you always feel safer when a dog's around. Unless it's trying to kill you.

"I'm not going and that's final!" Brian stomped off inside the house.

"He's right. How are you going to find the other pieces?" asked Fry.

"Simple. I'll just use the one we've already got and track the other ones based on its build up." Said Stewie. And with that he took the piece inside.

At this point Peter, Chris, Lois, and Meg came outside to see what was going on.

"Oh my god!" yelled peter. "It's Fez!" he ran up to them.

"Hey fez, say your catch phrase." Said peter.

Fez looked confused. "What are you talking about you son of a bitch?"

Peter doubled over in laughter. "hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe"

"Who are you?" asked lois.

"I'm fry, this is Bender and this is Fez. We're from the future." Said fry.

"Hi I'm chris." Said chris "Cool robot."

"hey I like this kid already." said bender, letting it go to his head.

"I'm Meg." Said Meg.

Fez started. "Your voice! It reminds me of someone I knew in the '70s!"

He knelt down and held her hand. Meg Blushed. "I like the future." He said.

"well if you'd like to know more about the future I have some CDs in my room we could listen to." Said meg taking fez up to her room.

"I don't if I like meg being alone with that boy." Said Lois.

"Aw come on lois, this is meg we're talking about here. By tomorrow he'll want to be fifty miles away from her." said Peter. He turned to bender. "So do you have any future beer?"

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A couple of houses down the new neighbors sat in their new home.

"I'm borrrrrrrrred." Homer complained.

"Well homey why don't you go make some new friends? It looks like some people are talking a couple houses down. Why don't you go introduce yourself?" said Marge mixing something in a bowl.

"Fine," said homer putting on his coat. "But afterwards I'm going to Moe's."

"We live in Quahog now, remember?"

"D'oh!"

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When homer walked up Peter, bender, and Quagmire (who had come out of his house) were drinking beer.

"Um hi. I'm Homer Simpson and I – oooohhhh is that beer?"

"Hehehehehehe," laughed Peter. "You like what we like. Welcome to the neighborhood." Peter handed him a beer.

Out of nowhere a crane carrying a piece of fence came through and set it right behind the four guys drinking beer.

"Weird." said Peter, taking a drink "So Homer, what do you do?"

Homer took a drink and said "Drink beer."

They all laughed at this.

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Well it looks you've got the basic idea of what Stewie is going to do. But don't worry about Brian. He'll come around. In other matters: what's up with Meg and Fez? Could they become more than friends? And the fence thing was a king of the hill reference in-case you didn't get it. As always read & review and don't forget to keep checking for updates.


	5. Chapter 5:2 Stowaways and an emo cat

Chapter 5: 2 Stowaways and an Emo Cat

The alternate name for this chapter was "You are now leaving Quahog" because Stewie and Brian finally leave on their journey. Also in this chapter you'll see the beginning to sub story #2, which, in case you forgot, is where Chris gets lost in time. Read it, review it, enjoy it _or _read it, enjoy it, review it **or** … never mind.

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The day after fez came to town everyone was anticipating the departure of Stewies journey (why they were willing to let a baby go unsupervised to Canada I won't tell you, but it has something to do with mind control). Stewie (secretly of course) was actually afraid to be going by himself and had since been trying to convince Brian to go with him. Brian got so fed up with it he went to visit his parents (and he has to get pretty PO'd to do that). But with the war with Canada going on his parents were afraid they might not see him again. So they told him what they should have told him a long time ago.

"What do you mean you're not my parents?!?!" yelled Brian, who was freaking out.

"I'm sorry Brian but because of the circumstances…we thought you should know." Said the dog who Brian had thought was his father his whole life. And now, he didn't know what to think.

"You've been lying to me my whole life! Where are my real parents? What happened to them?" Brian was still yelling loudly.

"We think you're parents originally came from Canada. We adopted you. no-one knows what happened to them."

"Brian dear, there's no reason to yell."

"No reason to yell?! No reason to yell?!?! I don't know who my parents are and you tell me there's no reason to fucking YELL?!?!" and with that he stormed out of the house.

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"All right, I'm in." said Brian as he entered the house.

"Excellent." said Stewie, as if he knew it all along. "Pack your things. We leave in an hour."

One hour later. Brian and Stewie came out of the house with suitcases.

"So uh, how are we gonna get there?" asked brian.

"Well we sure as hell aren't going to walk." said Stewie, taking a clicker out of his pocket and pushing one of the buttons. From behind the house a big trailer came driving through stopping at brian and Stewies feet.

"Uh, wow." said brian looking at the big trailer, which Stewie had modified to look futuristic.

"Yes I know. I designed it myself." said Stewie proudly.

"Hey! I'm coming too."

"Who said that?" asked Stewie.

Brian and Stewie looked over to see Rachel the cat walking up.

"Why in god's name would you want to come cat?" asked Stewie rudely.

"That's my business kid." She glared at him evilly as she boarded the bus (it's not really a bus but let's call it that because it's shorter than trailer.)

"Before we leave I need to use the can." Said brian, walking over to the bus's bathroom. He opened the door.

"Oh Shit!" he exclaimed, shielding his eyes.

"Ai, No!"

"Fez?"

Brian slammed the door shut.

"What's wrong Brian?" asked Stewie.

Brian looked scarred for life. "He was, um… taking care of business." brian shuddered at the memory of it.

This made everyone on the bus (except fez) let out a kind grossed out yell like somebody just barfed on their shoes. Everyone in the family was standing out side the bus. Meg had heard that fez was on it.

"Wait, if fez is going I'm going too." She said, boarding the bus.

"Great," Stewie said sarcastically. "Just what we need: 2 stowaways and an emo cat."

"Fez, why didn't you go back to the seventies?" asked brian.

"No!" fez yelled. "I refuse to go back until I taste the candy of the future!"

"Fine." Said Stewie exasperated. "Let's just head out already."

"Yeah Brian." Said peter. "Make like a baby and head out! Hehehehehehehe."

Everyone groaned at this.

"No peter that wasn't funny. That was just wrong." Said lois.

As the bus started to move peter ran to catch up with brian at the driver's seat.

"Brian! Don't forget to kick some Canadian ass for me!!" yelled peter.

"Will do peter." Replied Brian, then they drove off into the sunset.

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As much as I would love to tell you more about where this new team is heading, we will have to postpone that to the next chapter. Now it's time for Chris to shine.

After the gang left fry and bender started to get ready to leave the time period. Chris walked up. Fry, bender, and Chris had been getting along great since they met.

"Where are you guys going?" asked Chris.

"We have to go back to the future." said fry.

"No way that movie sucked." said bender.

"I've got an idea! I could go with you guys and we could travel through time! But I'll have to ask my parents if it's okay." Chris went over to peter. "Dad can I go with a stranger and a drunken robot in a questionably working time machine to god knows where?" asked Chris hopefully.

"As long as you're home by supper." said peter.

"All right!" Chris was jumping up and down. "Some time away from the evil monkey in my closet."

Everyone laughed at this.

"Hahaha. Evil monkey."

"Oh that's a good one."

"Such an imagination."

Chris looked up at his bedroom window. The evil monkey appeared up there and pointed its evil finger at him. Chris gulped.

"All right. One tour through time coming up." Said bender.

"Wow!" said peter. "And we don't even have to wait till bush gets out of office."

The three stepped inside the time machine. But right as it was about to disappear, the evil monkey came up to the windowsill and threw a banana at the control panel. It cracked and sizzled out. The machine started to shake more than usual.

"Something's gone terribly wrong!!!" yelled fry.

"Damn you evil monkey!" Chris screamed.

Then they disappeared in a flash of green light.

"Oh my god!" said Lois. "That didn't look good."

"Oh no!" said peter.

"Peter what will we do about Chris?" asked Lois, concerned.

"Your ball fell out of the cup!" said peter.

"What?" asked Lois. She turned to see peter and homer playing ball in a cup.

"Oh wait, its okay because the ball is on a string which is attached to the cup." said peter.

"Wow," said homer. "Technology is great."

They continued to play ball in a cup. Lois sighed and went in side. Peter stopped and looked around.

"Hey. Where'd Chris go?"

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Up in Chris's room the evil monkey got down off the windowsill. He checked to see if anyone was watching and went to the closet. He pressed a secret button and a small screen and keyboard came out of the closet. A face appeared on the screen, an evil face, the face of Megatron.

"Do you have any news agent monkey?"

_**DUN DUN DUN**_

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Oooohhhh, cool. I noticed that this story now has every swear word in it. Just a little bit of trivia there for you. Anyways I'd like to get some reviews on this chapter so just review it. Please.


	6. Chapter 6:The road to Idaho

Chapter 6: The road to Idaho

Okay. Now that the guys are finally out and traveling writing this might be harder or more fun. On one hand I don't know exactly the order of, or even where they will go for some of the pieces. On the other hand that just opens up the possibility of them being able to go to strange and exotic places. I might be stuck in this town but they're not. In this chapter first we'll check on the traveling rebels, then I'm gonna kick off sub story #1 where peters ass starts talking, then lastly we'll see where chris, fry, and bender ended up. You can't read it without reviewing it. If you do I'll kill you in your sleep. So enjoy!

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The bus turned off a large bridge and headed towards the highway. Brian was driving, Meg was listening to music, Stewie was toying with some heavy weaponry, Rachel was looking at some files which (no matter how hard they tried) she would not let any of them see, and fez playing pong on the Playstation that Stewie had brought (Stole from chris, same thing) and trying to explain that it was classic and therefore better than halo (My Ass!). When Stewie came up near the driver's seat to see the country side, Brian took the opportunity to ask him a question that had been bugging him since they left.

"Um, Stewie?" said Brian casually.

"Yes, Brian?"

"Where the hell are we going?!?"

This caught Stewie off guard. He had forgotten that he was the navigator. He went over to his bag and pulled out the torso piece and a small device that resembled a PDA. He headed back to the front and sat in the passenger seat. He turned the device on and held the piece over it as if it could scan it. As a matter of fact that was exactly what he was doing. A bunch of red dots appeared on the little screen in a map of the U.S. The closest one was in Idaho.

"What is that thing?" asked Brian suspiciously; afraid it would explode at any minute.

"Just something I whipped up," Said Stewie, his ego growing larger every second. "I call it a matter tracker or MrT for short. It can-"

"MrT?" asked Brian, holding back some laughter.

"Yes a MrT." said Stewie. "What's wrong with that name? Sometimes I pity you fool."

This time Brian couldn't help it. "Hahahahahahaha!"

"What the deuce?" Stewie was starting to get annoyed. "Stop laughing I say! Stop it right now! I demand to know what's so funny!"

Soon Brian finally settled down. "Nothing man. Just forget it. (Heeheeha). Um, you were saying?"

"Well I was going to tell but if you're just gonna laugh I guess you don't have to know."

"Aw come on man. Don't be a bitch, just tell me."

"No, no, it's cool. But you're sure missing out."

"Man, just tell me already. Okay I'm sorry. Are you happy now?"

"No I don't think you deserve to hear it. But it's freakin' awesome."

"I'll drive us off the road. I'll kill us!"

"Ha! I'd like to see you try dog!"

At this point Rachel got out of her seat and walked up to the front so that she was right behind the two arguers. Without saying anything she smacked them both upside the head and went to resume her work. They both shut up (thank god) and wouldn't talk for several minutes. Finally Stewie broke the silence.

"Well since I suppose since we won't get anywhere if I don't tell you, I will. It can use the torso piece as an example and search the country for any thing that could work with it. I've narrowed it to about 4 or 5 places. The next piece is in Idaho."

"Okay," said Brian. "Then it's off to Idaho!"

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Back in Quahog peter and homer were up to no good. The two were walking up Joe's driveway towards the front door.

"I'll show the most fun thing to do in quahog," said peter. "We're gonna doorbell ditch Joe. Hehehehehehehehe."

"Oh boy." said homer. "My first criminal act in Quahog."

"Just follow my lead and you'll do great!"

They went up and rang the door bell. Homer started to run but peter grabbed him. Joe came out and looked them over. Then, since they seemed to have past the test he smiled.

"Well hello there peter. Who's your friend?" asked Joe.

"Holy crap he's on to us!" yelled peter. He bent over and snatched Joe's wallet.

"Peter what the hell?!" said Joe, trying to grab it. But peter was holding it up too high.

"You want it? Come and get! Come and get! Oh! That's right. You can't. Hehehehehehehe. Cripple." Peter was playing keep away with Joe's wallet.

"Dammit peter!" Joe took out his gun and started shooting at his feet.

"Oh crap! Oh crap!" He dropped the wallet and ran.

"Smartass!" Joe yelled as he went back inside his house.

Once Peter and Homer were a safe distance away peter relaxed.

"That's how we play doorbell ditch in Quahog. We mess with 'em first. If only I could count how many times I've been called a smartass." Said peter.

"68."

"Hey how'd you know homer?"

"That wasn't me." said homer.

They looked around. There was no-one else in the street besides them. A tumble weed rolled through.

"Ugh. A tumble weed." Said peter. "How cliché."

"I know. This is the east coast for god sakes."

"There it is again!" said homer.

"Where is it coming from?" asked peter.

"Down here."

Homer looked down. He sighed.

"Oh look peter. It's just your ass."

"Yes, it's me." Said the ass.

"Oh." Said peter, still processing this.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Wait, wait, peter calm down." Said his ass. "You're probably just dreaming."

"Oh." Said peter. "Sooooooo since I now know I'm dreaming let's make this more erotic." He pointed at homer. "You are now…Jessica Biel!" nothing happened. "…Jessica Biel! Dammit. Fine this dream's good too. Come on dream homer let's get some dream pizza."

They walked down the street. Peter and his "dream" butt were whistling.

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Uh-oh. What will peter do if he thinks everything is just a dream? That question will be answered later. Right now we travel to a time and space far away.

Chris groaned and rubbed his head. He sat up.

"Holy crud!" He said.

"Hunh?"

"What?"

Fry and Bender were waking up. They looked around. They were on pure dirt. A smoking volcano could be seen a couple miles away. The trees were the size of skyscrapers with giant soaking leaves. A pterodactyl circled in the sky. They were in the prehistoric period! (Always a good place to start.)

"Awwww crap!" said bender. "The dinosaur age. How cliché."

"I'm scared." Said Chris. "Will we be trapped here forever?"

"Hmmmm," fry looked around. "I can't see the time machine. All we have to do is find it and we'll be safe. First let's find shelter."

They looked around. Chris pointed out a cave. After they got there fry went out to collect food. He spotted a coconut tree but when he got closer he found something better.

"The time machine!"

Once they all got to the time machine fry looked at it.

"It looks like it should be able to work!"

He set it to the year 2007. But once they all got in it a monkey appeared on the coconut tree. As it was powering up the monkey threw a coconut at it. Guess what happened.

"Not again." Yelled bender.

"Damn you prehistoric monkey!" shouted Chris.

They disappeared in a flash of green light.

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Well I guess this chapter was just stalling for those three. But I promise in the next one something exciting will happen. Review it. And no, not every section of Chris's story will end with him yelling at a monkey. Review it. And the reason Brian laughed at Stewies name for his invention was because it spelled Mr. Tee. Review it. I pity the fool who don't review my story! Thanks.


	7. Chapter 7:Meet Napoleon

Chapter 7: Meet Napoleon

Okay, thanks for the great reviews (although I would have liked more). In this next chapter the gang meets their last and possibly least member. Also I will start sub story #3 which in case you forgot is where Lois and Marge go on a Pokemon hunt. We'll also see what Peter and homer are up to. I also included cut scenes in here too, like the ones in family guy. Tell me if they're any good. Read it then review it, review it, review it, review it, review it, REVIEW IT!!!!! That is all.

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The bus was just driving into a small town in Idaho. Stewie pointed to a house and Brian stopped the bus in front of it. Everyone got out except for Meg who was guarding the bus. They knocked on the door and a guy in his thirties with glasses and slicked hair came out. Brian punched him out. They tied him to a chair and started searching the house.

"Where the deuce is it?" said Stewie looking in a box.

"I can't find it." said Brian. Stewie walked over to the guy they had tied up.

"Okay I want answers now. Who are you and what have you hidden the mega suit piece." asked Stewie darkly.

"I'm kip Dynamite and I don't know what you're talking about." He said shaking. "Napoleon! Help!"

"What the flip kip?! I was doing something!" napoleon walked in to see the scene of kidnap. He had a bushy orange afro, sweet moon boots, and glasses. Also on his neck hung one of the pieces.

"What is with these pieces and necklaces?" asked Stewie, grabbing it off his head. Napoleon tried to swat him away a few seconds late.

"who are you and why do you want my frikin' necklace?" asked napoleon.

"It is complicated but I need it to defeat Canada." Said Stewie walking away.

"Wait!" napoleon shouted running after them. "It's mine! Either you give it back or I'm frikin' going with you. Gosh!"

"Very well." Said Stewie. "We could always use you as a shield. Get on the bus."

"Wait Napoleon!" Kip shouted. "Untie me!"

"Kip!" Napoleon shouted out the window as they were driving away. "Flippin, figure it out for yourself."

"But I have a date with lafawnduh!"

When the bus was out of the town Stewie introduced everybody.

"Well napoleon, I say I quite like your name. It reminds me of domination. I'm Stewie, this is Brian, this is Rachel, this is fez, and this is umm hmmm uhhhhh I-I'm drawing a blank here."

"It's me! Meg! Your sister!"

Stewie made a real fake face. "riiiiiight." Then he whispered to napoleon. "Stay away from her. She's crazy."

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In Canada at Megatrons secret headquarters.

"Okay. Our sources tell us that a squad from Quahog, Rhode Island is trying to assemble the mega suit." Said megatron. "We are now tracking them. But to stop future rebellions I am assigning mewtwo to send his strike force onto quahog."

A glowing creature got out of his seat. "Yes master." He floated away.

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Back in quahog. Inside the griffin house. The only person in there was Lois. She sat on the couch exhausted. She had used the opportunity to make the house look spotless. But now she didn't have anything to do. She hadn't had a clear schedule for a couple of years. Now she didn't know what to do. She decided to visit the new neighbors down the street. She and Marge talk for a while and got along great. Both their husbands screwed things up and managed to fix it in less than a thirty minute running time. All of the sudden they heard a huge crash outside.

"What was that?" asked Lois.

"Let's go see." Said Marge.

They went outside to see a giant stampede of Pokemon running towards them.

"Oh no! I didn't expect a giant Japanese battle monster attack until Stewie turned eight!"

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At the drunken clam Peter and Homer were oblivious to the carnage going on outside.

"So you're telling me," said Homer in awe. "That if I compare something to something else I'll see it?"

"Yep it's called a cut scene." Said Peter. "Here I'll show you. Give me a topic."

"Uhhhhh. Thanksgiving!"

"Ahh thanksgiving. One of the few holidays you can celebrate without insulting a Jew."

Cut scene------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peter walks up to a Jew.

"Merry Christmas!"

The Jew punches him.

--------------------------------

Peter walks up to a Jew.

"Happy Easter!"

The Jew punches him.

--------------------------------

Peter walks up to a Jew.

"Happy frikin Thanksgiving!"

"Hells Yeah!"

End cut scene-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh that rabbi. Hehehehehehehehe."

"Cool. Let me try one peter. Give me a topic."

"Jewish people."

"Ahh Jewish people. The religious equivalent of the Amish."

Cut scene------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Jew walks down the street. Two Christians come up to him.

"Hey look! It's a Jew! Hey what's the haps Jew?"

"Leave me alone."

"Hey what's that on your head? Is that a hat? That can't protect you from the sun."

"It's religious."

"Yeah more like gay."

"Go burn a cross." The Jew starts to walk away.

"Hey why don't you go circumcise?"

"Oooohhhh burn!"

The two Christians high five.

End cut scene-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey that was pretty good. Hehehehehehehe."

"Ooh! Ooh! I want to try one!"

"Aw jeez I don't know butt." Said peter. "People might get freaked out."

"This is a dream, remember?"

"Oh yeah that's right. Waiter another round! Okay I got a topic for you. Gambling"

"Ahh gambling. The most legal reason to kill someone."

Cut scene------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy unlocks his hotel room and goes inside. He turns on the lights. A man is waiting for him on the bed with a knife.

"Gasp!"

"Where's my money?"

"I don't have it. Just give me another week please."

"No. it's either now or never."

"But I don't have it."

"Then say hello to Jesus for me."

"But I'm Jewish!"

He stabs him.

End cut scene-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey man. You shouldn't talk about Jewish people like that." Said Peter.

A Jew walks up. "I was seriously offended by that last cut scene."

"But-" Peters butt said.

"No buts butt, oh wait except for you." said peter. "Anyways we'd better haul ass. These guys look kind of mad at you."

"I'm perfectly capable of moving by myself thank you."

"It's an expression butt."

Then they left.

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I am so sorry about the major Jew bashing. I don't hate Jewish people, I like them. But that's how I think Peter, Homer, and Peter's ass would spend time in a bar. So now that Napoleon is part of the group I have to think of where they will go next. So I've made a poll. Where should Stewie and Co. go next?

A) California

B) Louisiana

C) Tokyo

D) Mexico

E) Other (If you choose E tell me what it should be.)

(Not Canada because I'm saving that for last. Anywhere else is fine.)

I will see which place gets the most votes but I can't do that if you don't REVIEW!!!!!!! So technically the future of the story is in your hands. Don't forget to review. Also I'm kind of having trouble with the plot to sub story #3. Tell me some cool plot twists I could throw in because otherwise it won't be very good. Judging on the newest character, the cut scenes, the poll, and the plot twists I expect some juicy reviews from you guys. Please help me write this story. Once again, my sincerest apologies to any Jewish people out there. Thanks.


	8. Chapter 8:Surf, Sun, and Awkwardness?

Chapter 8: Surf, Sun and…Awkwardness?

Because of the crash and burn state my poll went through, I'm just gonna decide myself. I choose California because I've already got a plan for it. In other news I've decided that, so the story can live up to its title, from now on each chapter will only be about one story. So every fourth chapter you'll see is the main story. But please, forget the poll and tell me what you'd like to see happen to Lois and marge. In this chapter is the beginning to something between two characters that I've planned the whole time but was very secretive about. Important chapter! Review it!

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The bus was heading down route 66. Stewie had said the next best place to go was California. Napoleon had fit right in with Stewie and fez. Brian had noticed this and it made him realize how little any of them knew about Rachel. And yet they had allowed her to come in a cramped bus and travel across the country with them. It was then that he decided to try and find out who she was. She walked to the front of the bus and sat in the passenger's seat.

"Hey." He said awkwardly.

"Hi." She said shortly.

She took out a laptop and started typing.

"What're you doing?" asked Brian, trying to make it sound a little more like small talk and less like an interrogation. Apparently it hadn't worked.

"Okay," she said exasperated. "What is it?"

Brian sighed. He had to come clean.

"Who are you?"

"I already told you. My name's Rachel."

"Yes but that's all we know about you. Why should we trust you to help us defeat Canada if we don't even know who you are? Why did you come with us?" He was getting a little angry now. She knew what he meant.

"Okay." She said. She was quiet for a couple of minutes. It looked like she was getting ready to tell him something. "The reason I came was because I wanted to make sure you were okay. When I first came to Quahog I liked you from the moment I saw you. I was just too shy to ask you out."

"Oh." That was all Brian could manage. He hadn't expected this. He had thought she had been doing something a little more serious. She hadn't seemed like the type of person who would have a crush.

She looked to the back of the bus. It appeared that nobody had heard them. She started to head back to the space at one of the tables where she had sort of claimed as her workspace. The she turned to Brian.

"Um… well I'll let you sleep on it." As she headed back she had a guilty look on her face.

Brian thought for a moment and decided to push it out of his mind. He had to focus on driving. About a half an hour later they got to the border of California. Stewie told Brian to go to San Diego. Everyone was excited about going to the beach with surf and sun. Even Stewie was thinking more about sand castles then the piece they were looking for. They eventually all decided to kick back for a couple of days before starting to look for the piece.

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2 hours later. The bus closed in on the towering buildings of San Diego city. The gang let out a triumphant yell. Even Rachel lightened up a bit. As soon as Brian parked the bus everyone got out. They took a second to breathe in the smell of the Pacific Ocean. Then, if it wasn't for Brian, they all might have ran off in different directions. He insisted that first they make a meeting place if they got lost and a time when they should be back to the bus. (Well he's just no fun at all is he?). When that was done they all went out to go sightseeing. Stewie went with Brian to see the art gallery. Meg, Fez, and Napoleon ran across the sand, complete strangers to a real beach. You could tell that they didn't know anything about California because they left their shoes on. Rachel walked off, not really sure where she wanted to go. As Stewie and Brian walked along the pier they stopped for a snack.

"What the deuce is this?"

"Uh I think it's called a churro."

"Why-Why it's covered in sugar! Oh how Delightful! Now I know where Californians get their buzz!" At this point two surfers walked by and stopped.

"Duuuuuuude. Check it out. That dog's got a talking football. Freeeeeeeeaaaaaky!"

"Whoaaaaaaaaaa! Killer!"

Stewie looked up.

"Why, I haven't been called a killer since I went to that sleepover."

Cut scene------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stewie's sitting in a circle of kids. One girl hands him a stuffed zebra.

"Here Stewie. Now you get to play with Stripes."

"What the Deuce? This isn't real."

"Of course Stripes's real, silly."

Stewie rips its head off.

"Oh my gosh! You killed Stripes!"

"Yes yes that's right. Is it real now?" He picks up a lamp.

"How about this?!" he hits her with it. "Is this real, bitch?!"

After a couple of hits he drops the lamp and looks around. Everyone is staring at him. He slowly backs out of the room.

End Cut Scene------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Uh excuse me," said Brian. "Can you tell us how to get to the art gallery?"

"Dude the art gallery got closed a couple months ago. To make room for another surfing spot!"

"What?!" said Brian. "How can they do that? It was supposed to be an epitome of art!"

"Whatever dude." Then they walked away.

Before they said anything else a teenager ran up in seventies glasses and a red shirt.

"Save Trestles!" he yelled and gave a quick double thumbs up.

"Ahh shut up Dennis!" yelled Brian. Dennis ran away.

"Well what now?" asked Stewie, already knowing what he was going to say.

"I need a drink." said Brian, rubbing his forehead.

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Meg, Fez and Napoleon walked down the street. Meg was window shopping and Fez and Napoleon wanted to go to the candy store. (Apparently California candy is different from other candy). They weren't talking about anything important.

"Yeah but I think Lenny should be the stooge called curly and curly called Lenny." Said Meg.

"Well Moe is the right name for Moe at least." Said fez.

"Whoever came up with the names is a frikin' idiot!" said napoleon.

"Is that all he can say?" asked fez.

"Hey give the author a break." Said Meg. "2004 was a long enough year even without this guy."

"Look!" said Napoleon pointing down the street. There were three men in black clothes and black masks taking an old woman's purse.

"Oh my gosh!" yelled Meg. "Robbers!"

The men looked up at the familiar voice.

"Oh my god!" one of them said.

"It's that girl who wanted us to have our way her!" said the other.

"And we pressed her for sexual charges!"

"Apparently moving to California didn't work!"

"She must be stalking us!"

They all ran into the water screaming like little girls.

"NOOO!!!" screamed Fez. "Don't go in the water! There are sharks! It's JAWS all over again! Ai!" he ran into the candy shop screaming like a little girl. Meg sighed.

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About like seven hours later Brian stumbled out of the bar. He walked to the bus in a zigzag bee sort of way. When he went inside everyone was already asleep except for Rachel who was typing. (Again?! Jeez who writes this stuff?). She looked up and automatically knew that he was drunk.

"Hey (burp) Wazz up?" he said.

"You were out past your own curfew." She said.

"Hey yo. Don't be all up in my grill." He said. "The beer here is amazing. You can drink and drink and never throw up." He leaned over the sink to puke.

"Are you always like this when get drunk?" she asked.

"Hey don't you think I'm hot?" he said. "I'm so horny!"

He tried to put a move on her but she grabbed his arm and did a series of advanced ninja moves on him. She flipped him over onto his bed.

"Whoa." He said, still drunk. "You're feisty. This is gonna be fun."

She made that noise that they made back in chapter 5 when they caught fez jacking off. She reached for the nearest object (Which happened to be a large dictionary.) and beat him with it till he went unconscious. She looked around to see that everyone was asleep and went outside. When she closed the door Stewie woke up. (How he slept through all the previous crap I don't know). He saw her walk outside and he peered through the window. She took out a strange device and turned it on. Stewie watched her suspiciously…

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Well they're not really done in California so you'll have to wait to see what happens. That Dennis thing was an inside joke. you'll only get it if you go to the same school as me. Brian's getting a lot of mixed messages from Rachel and I've got to tone up the romance between fez and Meg. Now go and review. Thanks.


	9. Chapter 9:Meet the Author

Chapter 9: Meet the Author

Hi sorry it took me so long to update but let's face it. We all have our own lives. I just couldn't contain this chapter so I'd like to retract a statement of mine. I'm not going to have the stories in order. I'll just do what I feel like. This is the main story. Read and review. One of my friends (real friends) has just made an account and is writing a story. I'd thought I'd be nice and recommend them. The name of the author is Howlingwolfz and the name of the story is "The blade of Dusk and Dawn". It's a kingdom hearts thing. They may also have a crossover with naruto in it. Any ways I've babbled enough. Let's start this fic.

I forgot to include a disclaimer so here it is.

Disclaimer: I do not own Family Guy or any of its characters. I only own the OCs I created, Rachel and Heather.

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"oooohhhh…" Brian moaned as he got up. His head pounded severely making him lay back down. He looked around. Everybody was already up and busy with their own things. It was about 1:00pm. As soon as the pain subsided he slowly got up and wobbled over to the place where Rachel was sitting.

"Good morning." she said, as if she was angry with him.

'she's angry with me.' Brian thought.

"what happened last night? I can't remember." Said Brian.

"you were drunk." She said simply.

"Yeah. Thanks for the newsflash Captain Kirk." He said sarcastically. She gave him one of those ONYD looks. (That's: oh no you didn't, for those of you who don't know.)

Brian got a worried look on his face. "Ummm…between you and me. Did I do anything that was sort of…?"

"Asshole-ish? Yes, quite."

"I was gonna say stupid but yeah that works. So what did I do anyways?"

She then recounted last night's events, leaving out the part where she went outside and replacing the ninja moves with him hitting his head on the sink. As he listened his look of hangover slowly changed to horror then guilt then more horror.

Finally he said. "Uhhhhh… wow! I haven't done something that bad while I was drunk since I went to Hollywood."

Cut scene-----------------------

Brian wakes up on a bed. He looks around to see that room is filled with drugs. Lindsay Lohan comes in.

"Good morning." she said as she injected something into her veins.

"Lindsay Lohan? Oh god! Please don't tell me we did it!"

"Of course not silly!"

"Oh thank god!"

"You, I _and_ Wilmer did it!"

Wilmer Valderama comes out of the closet (literally of course).

"Hey everybody!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!" brian runs out of the room screaming.

(I know this creates a plot hole because fez is there but let's just ignore it.)

End cut scene-------------------

"Okay, look." Said Brian "How about I make it up to you? tonight I'll take you to a fancy restaurant and I won't drink and then we'll call it even?"

'Uh-oh.' Thought Rachel. 'the only reason he's offering this is because I told him I liked him. If I back out now I'll blow my cover for sure! Got to play along.'

"Oh." She said trying to smile (which wasn't working. In fact it was kind of scary.). "that sounds great."

"cool." Said Brian, completely oblivious. "I'm gonna go out and find a nice place. See you later."

"Hey!" Stewie shouted from across the room. "shut up! I'm trying to read fan fiction!" he looked back at the computer. "What's this? 'Thebroccilimustdie'? what the deuce kind of a name is that? Oh but I rather like the story she's written. Ha-ha yes! I finally become ruler of the world!" Meg was standing over his shoulder.

"I like the one Malcolmfox wrote." She said.

"Yes You would." Said Stewie. "It seems that Malcolmfox has forgotten who's really important: me. I mean come on! In this story I'm the uncle to a bitch that everybody likes! I say, Michael Jackson? Isn't that a bit extreme?"

Later---------------------------

A couple hours later and Brian still hadn't gotten back. Rachel was Googling her own name (although she wouldn't admit it. No one ever does.) When she heard strange sounds coming from the bathroom. No on else seemed to notice. She went over and looked inside.

"Please Rachel. Come in."

The bathroom was no longer a bathroom but a big dark room with a desk and chair. There was a figure sitting behind the desk.

"Umm who are you?" she asked.

"Well Rachel I'd think you know me very well by the fact that **I am your father! **Muahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!**" **(That was an uber cliché. Sorry.)

"You're not my father! You're not even a cat! And what are you doing in our bus? And why does the bathroom look different?"

"Please Rachel just give me a second to explain. I control what's happening to you right now. I control the world and all the people in it. I know who you really are, why you really came in this trip, and I even know the future."

"Are you god?" she asked fearfully.

"In a way." He said. He leaned over into the light to reveal that he was a teenage Caucasian boy with long brown hair with streaks of blond in it (They're natural, I'm not gay.) and was wearing a quicksilver jacket. "I am the _**WRITER!!!**_"

"Gasp!"

"Yes, gasp all you want but you knew it along."

"Oh, yeah? Prove that you're the author."

He took out a laptop and started typing something. A couple seconds later a rainbow afro appeared out of nowhere on Rachel's head. Muahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

"Okay fine I believe you! What do you want anyways? And why'd you make Brian ask me out? If you're really the author you must know how I feel about him."

"That's why I wanted to see you. When you go out in this date tonight try and have fun, okay?"

"Have fun? Have fun?!? You know that I'm here strictly on business! I'm probably not even going to get prettied up for the date!"

"Or are you?"

She looked down and she was wearing a beautiful red dress. In fact, the most beautiful she'd ever seen. This may have won over some girls but not Rachel.

"Sorry but no." she said.

Then fifty bucks appeared in her pocket.

"Fun's my middle name!" she said with a big smile. She started to walk out but turned back around and said.

"Wait I never found out what your name was."

"Names aren't important but my friends call me fez."

Fez came bursting through the bathroom door not even thinking that someone might be using it.

"Did someone say my name?"

"Ahh Fez. Just the man I wanted to see. And Rachel? Just so it's not confusing I'll go by J.Z. You can go now."

Rachel walked out leaving fez alone with this stranger who appeared to be calling himself J.Z.

"What's going on?" fez asked.

Without saying anything he just held up a Baby Ruth.

"Ahh." Fez nodded knowingly. "You're the mysterious author of this fanfic story who has inexplicably typed himself into his own story to communicate firsthand with the characters as to help them improve the storyline. The Baby Ruth says it all."

Fez sat down.

"What do you need me for chief?"

"Fez, think with me for a second. I like you, you're one of my favorites, but to the readers you're just deadweight in this story so far."

"What?" asked Fez, Horrorstricken.

"I bet if I took a poll, some readers would say I could just cut you, Meg, and Napoleon out, and it wouldn't affect the story. Brian, Rachel and Stewie could probably handle it."

"No!" Fez shouted angrily. "I'm interesting! I'm Fez! We haven't even gotten to the part with the circle!"

"Don't worry fez I've got a plan that will make you a much better character. Okay, here it is. From the beginning you and Meg seemed to have clicked but the readers are just not seeing that as much. What I need you to do is maybe romance her a little bit, bring up your needs, or get her mad and win her back in some completely stupid way."

"Like Eric and Donna!" said fez.

"Yes fez. Do that and you get to stay in the story. You can go now. Oh, and send Napoleon in please."

Fez walked out of the bathroom and hesitated a bit. Then he walked over to Napoleon and said.

"Napoleon, some guy in the bathroom wants to talk to you again."

"Again?! Freakin' Idiot!"

"Wait. You know about the author?"

"The who?"

Napoleon walked into the bathroom. Fez had already told him about the author. (Or maybe I'm just too lazy to type it all again).

"Hello Napoleon."

"What flip do you want author?"

"To talk to you."

"About **what**?"

"That. Napoleon, you're not very talkative are you?"

"What the flip do you think?"

The author had had enough.

"That's it!"

The Author grew fifty times his size. He looked down upon napoleon while gigantic flames appeared behind him. Those anime vein thingies were sticking out of his head.

"Now listen Napoleon! You better cooperate or you're gonna regret it!"

"How?"

"So help me I'll torture you with the time machine!"

The time machine appeared. The hand band attached itself to his Napoleon's head. The joystick thrust itself into his lap. The crystals put themselves in and the author plugged it in.

"AWWWW!!!! KRA-KRA-CRAP! TUR-TUR-TURNITOFF! OKAY-OKAY!!"

The author unplugged it.

"Now I'll ask you again. Will you or will you not cooperate?"

"I'll cooperate. Gosh! Freakin' thing still doesn't work!"

"Okay first of all I want you to learn to talk normally. Stop being a douche bag!"

"Fine." Napoleon said, trying hard to say it normally.

"Second…" he said, ashamed of what he was about to do. It had to be done for the sake of the story.

"Just like Fez you're not pulling your weight around. So I have a suggestion."

The author whispered something in his ear.

"But I don't feel that way."

"Here let me help." Said the author, typing something into his laptop. Suddenly Napoleon was surrounded by a weird sensation that he had never felt before.

"Great Idea!" He said happily, and then he left.

When napoleon walked out he saw Fez flirting with Meg, much to the disgust of Rachel and Stewie. When they saw him they stopped and looked happily guilty like they had just been caught by the class teacher. Napoleon summoned up some courage and said.

"Hey Meg. Do you want I should go out and buy you something to eat? Oh, and you can too if you want."

Meg lit up with glee. In one night she had hooked two guys. Usually it took her a month just to hook one. But then she would run out of laughing gas and the guy would kill himself. This time she hadn't even had to use anesthesia. She ran out with Napoleon leaving everyone with a WTF look. Especially fez.

Somewhere else, the author sat in his office with a satisfied look on his face.

"Ahh, and once again the plot has twisted."

Over a couple of feet a giant piece of paper that said "plot" was trying to win at twister.

"Let's play something else." He said.

"Yeah." said the author, pulling out a gun. "Something like 'Where is my money?'!"

"Oh snap!" said plot jumping through a window.

"You can run but you can't hide!" shouted the author through the window. A monkey in a business suit came in.

"Sir, your dining request is here."

"Ex-cellent." He said, rubbing his hands together. The monkey then brought out three dishes: one with pasta, one with bits of bacon, and one with pieces of crabs meat.

"Thank you Bobo that is all." Then suddenly the author mixed them all together and laughed maniacally.

"Bwahahahahaha! The three perfect dishes: pasta, bacon, and crab mixed together! The ultimate dish! Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!"

Bobo pushed himself against the wall, paralyzed with fear, as he watched his master insanely devour the dish like a wild animal. The shadow of the author cast itself against Bobo as he screamed his monkey scream.

Moral of this section of the chapter: every time you mix pasta, bacon, and crab an angel gets its wings.

--------------------------------

"I have a complaint!" said fez, bursting through the bathroom door. But when he looked around it was just the normal bathroom.

"You think you've got a complaint?" said the toilet. "How'd you like to be a toilet? Hunh?! Being a toilet sucks. All you sick bastards ever do is take a dump in me! It's disgusting! Just because I'm a toilet doesn't mean I'm a lower class than you idiots! And faucet over there keeps dripping and it's annoying the shit out of me!"

"Hey man, I can't help it! If someone would just tighten my screws! I mean god damn, you need to hire someone like a plumber to tighten screws?! I mean, the least you could do is turn the handle all the way." Said faucet.

"If we're complaining I'd like to say that I can't stand being felt up every time you wash your hands! Just get some paper towels instead of wiping me all the time!" said the towel.

"Oh just shut up towel." Said toilet paper. "You think you've got it so bad. You know where people wipe me?!?! DO YOU?!?!"

"Everyone keeps walking all over me." Said the rug quietly.

"SHUT UP!" everyone said in unison.

By that time Fez had snuck out. No one really noticed because Waste basket was fighting the overhead light, the mirror was yelling at the medicine cabinet for staring, and the blue decorative soap kept hitting on the pink decorative soap. (Damn horny soaps).

Later---------------------------

Brian came to pick Rachel up. (The fact that they both lived in the same bus at the moment was, apparently, beside the point). He wore nice clean pants and a brown dress shirt. She wore her new red dress. He had made reservations at a nice restaurant. After the uncomfortable exchange of compliments on each others clothes they were off. But before they could leave Stewie pulled Brian over to the side.

"Brian, I don't think you should go on this date." He said in a whisper.

"Why not? Have you 'claimed' me?" he asked, half jokingly and half afraid he might be right.

"No! I have a bad feeling about this one. Last night a saw her do something very suspicious. She has some sort of device with her. I think she might be working for the enemy!"

"Stewie. Remember the last time you had a bad feeling about something?"

Cut scene-----------------------

Stewie and Brian go down into the basement with flashlights. Brian turns his on and points it at the furnace.

"See? It's just the furnace. There's nothing scary about it." Says Brian.

"Oh. Well that really is a huge relief. Thanks for coming down here with me Brian. Now, let's go make Meg feel insecure."

They walk back up the stairs. After a couple of seconds the furnace looks up to see if they're gone. It then takes out a sniper and loads it.

End Cut Scene-------------------

"Yes, but this time it's different." said Stewie desperately.

"See you later." said Brian, walking out the door.

"Damn!" shouted Stewie, watching Brian and Rachel walk away.

Later at the restaurant---------

Brian and Rachel were sitting at their table talking.

"Kirk!"

"Picard!"

"Kirk!"

"Picard!"

"Kirk!"

"Picard!"

"Hey!" shouted Brian. "Can you geeks please go somewhere else? We're on a date."

"I wish I could get a date." said one of them as the two losers walked out the door.

"Sorry about that." He said turning back to his table. "What were you saying?"

"Well I really like classical and Jazz music."

"Really? Me too!"

"Yeah. It just seems like nobody is sophisticated anymore."

"I know totally. My owner peter actually comes to **me** for help with his problems. It's getting old."

A waiter came up to him.

"Did you order the one spaghetti sir?"

"Uh, no I think that's for Lady and the Tramp."

The waiter brought it over to their table.

"So uhh. After this you wanna go over my place and get crazy?" asked the Tramp.

Lady slapped him and walked off. Brian chuckled under his breathe.

"heh heh heh. You just keep on trying don't ya tramp?"

"so brian." said Rachel. "to be honest with you at first I didn't want to go on this date but now I'm having a lot of fun."

"I know." Said brian. "You the first girl I've actually dated who I could relate to."

Later after they had had their dinner, the two got ready to go. Right before they walked out the revolving doors Brian looked over at the highly decorated wall to his left and stopped dead in his tracks. Right smack in the middle of the wall hung a small silver hand. It was the next piece that they were looking for. Brian went over to a waiter.

"uh excuse me. How much for that little hand hanging on the wall?"

"Oh I'm terribly sorry but it's not for sale."

"Oh I see." He said starting to walk out. He then raced back grabbed the hand and ran as fast as he could. Pretty soon he and Rachel were being chased by a group of people from the restaurant. When the two got to the bus brian started it up and headed straight for the highway.

Ten minutes later Napoleon and Meg walked up to the place the bus used to be parked at. They stared blankly at the empty spot for a while.

"What the flip?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay so that's the end of the ninth chapter but here's a little section I'm adding on.

I call it the "No Offense" section. I include things I'm sorry for.

No Offense to: Wilmer Valderama. You deserve better than Lindsay Lohan.

No Offense to: TheBroccillimustdie. I actually like your name.

No Offense to: MalcolmFox. In reality your story is one of my favorites. I don't think Maddie's a bitch. You're right: "Brian dates a cat" stories are clichéd. But as spiderman says : "Everybody gets one."

No Offense to: Bobo. The degrading business suit says it all.

No Offense to: All bathroom objects. I've exposed your secret.

No Offense to: The restaurant. About the object that was stolen from your premises. I'll be sure to send you a festive fruit basket.

No Offense to: Chuck Norris. I haven't mentioned you yet but you can never be too careful. Chuck Norris got his tonsils removed twice!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well I'm happy to say that was without a doubt my longest chapter so far. YAYY! About the Lois and marge story; I got nothing. Now I'm wondering if should even do it. Tell me what you think. I think that this chapter may have had too much realism which may have gotten confusing. In later chapters the author will only be mentioned briefly. Review it!


	10. Chapter 10: Merry Christmas PeterGriffin

Chapter 10: Merry Christmas Peter Griffin OR How Bertram stole Christmas

Chapter 10: Merry Christmas Peter Griffin **OR** How Bertram stole Christmas

Okay, you guys are really starting to bum me out. Last chapter I didn't get one single review. It got 7 hits. I decided not to do the Lois and marge story. Now I know you guys might be busy because of the holidays but it doesn't take that long to review. After I read a chapter I **always** review it. Now you've forced me to write a cheesy extremely belated Christmas chapter that's a horrible mix between "How the Grinch stole Christmas" and "Merry Christmas Charlie Brown". But, if you're nice enough to read the whole thing, at the end of the chapter I've written some nice things about my loyal readers and the writers of my favorite stories. But remember: NO skipping. It's like peeking at your presents before Christmas.

Disclaimer: There are a lot of trademarks in this one so basically I only own the OCs I created: Rachel, Heather, J.Z., and Butty.

--

It was Christmas time in Quahog and everyone was in the holiday spirit. Everyone, that is, except for two people. Let's meet the first one.

Peter walked out of his house into the freshly fallen snow. The snow crunched beneath his boots and he stopped to lean on a wall. (The way Charlie Brown and Linus do in the Christmas special. I know I just ruined the cliché but it gets kind of confusing.) He sighed. Then Cleveland and Homer walked over.

"Hey Peter." said Cleveland. "And a merry yuletide season to you I might add."

"That's funny." said Homer. "I thought it was Christmas time."

"Why so glum peter?" asked Cleveland.

"I and Butty can't seem to get into the holiday spirit."

"You and who?"

"Butty. I figured out that this isn't a dream so I gave him a name."

"How do you know it's not a dream?"

"Well last night when I was about to go to bed I looked under the mattress and there wasn't any monsters. Just a sock and what's so scary about socks?"

"Oh you have no idea." said homer, about to relive a horrific memory.

Flashback--

Homer walked through Mr. Burns' office doors.

"Mr. Burns can I talk to AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" he had walked in on Mr. Burns getting dressed with nothing but his socks on.

"Simpson! Get out of here!"

Homer didn't need to be told twice. He ran out as fast as could.

"Now Sir?" asked Smithers.

"Wait for it." He said. "Okay Now! Release the hounds!"

Homer ran into Moe's a few seconds later.

"Moe! I just saw my boss naked!"

"Okay Homer you got it. The usual you have when you see a man naked. One forget me shot coming up!"

The next day homer woke up with no memory just as the hounds found him. Later at work.

Homer walked into Mr. Burns' office.

"Mr. Burns, about your hounds, they AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

"Damnit Simpson! Not again!"

Homer ran out as fast as he could.

"How long has it been Smithers?"

"This is the fourth time this week sir."

"Remind me to mark his profile as gay."

"Yes sir."

End Flashback--

"So peter. What are you planning to do about your holiday spirit?"

"I'm not sure."

"Why don't you visit Lois's theatre group and see how they're doing on the Christmas play?" said Butty.

"Not now Butty I'm trying to think. I've got it! I'll go visit Lois's theatre group and see how they're doing on the Christmas play!" said Peter.

Then He, Cleveland, and Homer walked off.

All the people in quahog liked Christmas a lot.

But the little boy who had been spying in a nearby tree did not.

Bertram had never really liked the holiday season,

I can't tell you why no one quite knows the reason.

It could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right,

Or maybe his shoes were a little too tight,

But I think the biggest reason of all

Was that his heart was two sizes too small.

"Oh I hate Christmas!" Bertram said.

"It is the one holiday that I truly dread.

I can't stand all that holiday cheer,

Or the hopes that Saint Nick will soon be here.

For much too long, I've put up with it now

I must stop Christmas from coming! But How?

Wait, am I talking in Rhyme?

Gotta remember not to do that next time. Damnit!"

Bertram thought about what peter had said,

And the pieces formed together inside of his head.

Then Bertram got an idea.

Bertram got a _nasty_ idea.

Bertram got an **evil** _nasty_ idea.

"I'll ruin their play!" he said with a sneer.

"That'll put an end to their holiday cheer."

Then he climbed out that tree very quick indeed,

And went off to start his devilish deed.

--

When Peter and everyone else got to the play house Lois was directing everything. She looked very stressed out. She saw them and walked over.

"Well hello peter. Maybe you could help us out. We're reenacting the baby in the manger play this year. We've been very busy. I might need you to get a few things for me."

"Sure lois. I'm just trying to get into the holiday spirit."

"Well you can have some of this fruitcake: Since there's **not** an invasion of Pokemon outside."

"aww Gross!" said peter holding the fruitcake. He looked from side to side to see that no one was watching. Then he put it on a chair and sat on it.

"Gross! I don't want it either." said Butty.

--

Bertram stood in the room in the back

Getting ready for his Christmas attack.

He took all the costumes and he tore them apart.

He poured ink on them all and put them back in their cart.

"With no costumes their play will surely be bad,

But I won't stop there; I'll make it the worst they've had."

Then he snuck away with an evil grin.

He was sure now that he would win.

(P.S. I know these rhymes really suck.)

--

"Peter, could you get those costumes in the back for us?" said lois.

"Sure." Said peter, running around back. He gasped when he found all the costumes torn up and all inky.

"Good grief." He said as he handed them to Lois.

"Oh my gosh! These look worse than Brittany Spears' outfits!"

Cut Scene--

Brittany's costume designers are sitting in a room smoking pot.

"Okay, Okay I've got a great idea. Instead of covering up all the bad parts let's cover everything except the bad parts!"

"Dude! That is an awesome idea. D-Dude!"

"I-I know! It's like they won't be expecting it!"

"We'd better get that ready, she performs in five minutes."

End Cut Scene--

"Nah, scratch that." said Lois. "They're not **that** bad. Looks like we'll just have to perform without costumes."

"But aren't you trying to recreate the scene that started our Christian religion?" asked Peter.

"It doesn't matter peter. As long as we get good reviews." Said lois.

"Whatever." Said Peter walking over to the dessert table. He reached for a cupcake without looking but found it was empty. He gasped and everybody ran over to see was the matter.

"Peter!" said lois angrily.

"lois it wasn't me! Do I look like some sort of fat guy to you?"

They all stared in silence.

--

Behind a wall a few yards away Bertram sat there and spit, like, 6 cupcakes out of his mouth.

"Ugh." He said. "I still can't eat too much sugar after that time I went to strawberry shortcake land."

Cut Scene--

Bertram walked down a long road. A girl with a huge head and a dog ran up to him.

"Hi. I'm Strawberry Shortcake and this is Pupcake. Would you like a lollipop to suck on?"

"No but I'll be serving you some nice cold _Death_!" He Said pulling out two automatic rifles. He began to shoot everybody. Strawberry tried to run down the chocolate meadow but Bertram was close behind. He shot her in the leg and she rolled the rest of the way until she stopped herself and stood up. She found that her back was extremely close to the pit of death. Er… chocolate pit of death. One roll and she would have fallen in. there was nowhere to run now. Bertram walked up slowly.

"It's strange how stupid shows like yours bring out the evilest in us isn't?" he said.

"This is Madness!" she yelled.

"No…" he said. "This…is…_**SPARTA!**_"

He kicked her and watched as she fell to her death.

"Suck on that B!#."

End Cut Scene--

Peter was watching them rehearse when Lois came up to him.

"Okay peter I'll give one more chance to help me out but please don't screw this one up."

"you got it Lois!"

"I need you to go down to the supermart's parking lot and pick up a tree."

"I'll get the best one they have!" he said running off.

Up in the rafters Bertram smiled devilishly.

"Here's my biggest thing yet!" then he raced off.

(You'll notice I stopped rhyming. I really got nothing.)

--

Bertram arrived at the lot first.

He took out a flamethrower and started laughing maniacally as he burnt down the whole lot. This goes on for about five minutes (Not literally of course) so while you're waiting please hum to yourself the "You're a mean one Mr. Grinch" song but replace Mr. Grinch with Mr. Bertram. When he was done there were no trees left at all. He thought he'd finally won so he ran off.

Then Peter showed and when he saw the mess he said: "Good Grief!"

"What are we gonna do now Butty?"

"I don't know Peter…"

Then peter saw something. He ran behind the dumpster to find an old small beat up tree.

"Hey look Butty I found one!"

"I don't know peter. It doesn't look very good."

"awww. What do you know Butty? You're a butt!"

He picked about the pathetic excuse for a tree and ran off.

Back at the theatre, Lois was yelling at peter.

"Peter, the tree you got looks absolutely horrible! How are we supposed to re-enact the birth of Jesus without a proper pine tree?"

Peter contemplated this for a moment and said, "Actually Lois, judging by the context of the holy bible, it's pretty obvious that most Christian events started in northern Africa. I submit to you that since pine trees aren't even native to the African suburb that they couldn't possibly be related or even have been in the presence of Jesus at the time of his birth. If we were to celebrate around a tree at all I think it would be more suitable if the tree were of an African genus."

Everyone stared at him for about twenty minutes. Then peter suddenly snapped out of it.

"Sorry," he said, "I just got done reading Guns, Germs, and Steel. 500 pages of why the Europeans had the advantage over native peoples. An ingenious read but definitely not for the feeble minded."

"Tell me about it," said Butty, "I kept falling asleep!"

"Well," said Lois, "I guess this'll have to do."

"Oh, so that's how it is!" said peter angrily. "then I guess I'll just take my tree and leave!"

He took the tree and walked out.

Peter walked to the middle of the town square and set the tree down gloomily.

"Well Butty," he said sadly, "Looks like it's just you and me this Christmas."

Then without any noise all the townspeople slowly walked in and surrounded the tree.

"What's this?" asked peter surprised.

"You were right peter. Christmas isn't about flash and pizzazz. It's about being with the people you love and the people the law requires you to love."

"I never said any of that but okay!"

Everyone in turn put their own special ornament on the tree slowly making it the best tree ever. They put lights on, and hangers, and bomboodles, and zapzoodles and… wait a minute these aren't even real things! What the hell is Dr. Seuss on? I gotta get me some of that!

"Peter that's an awful lot of lights. Won't it catch fire?" Asked Lois, Now apparently caring for the tree.

"No, It won't unless you put on like 5000 lights. I saw it on Mythbusters." Said peter.

"Oh! That's a good show."

And everyone nodded silently. It was, indeed, a good show.

Then, without saying a thing, they all joined hands and formed a big circle. It took a while to get the Cleveland to hold Bruce's hand, especially because he kept asking to play "find the nickel", but eventually they were a joined mass of happiness.

Up in the tree, Bertram was completely dumbfounded.

"What? How could they still have a good Christmas? How? I thought these losers depended solely on cheap renewable entertainment to be happy! I didn't think that they'd learn a life lesson!"

And then Bertram thought of something he hadn't before.

"Maybe, just maybe, Christmas doesn't come from a store.

Maybe it means a little bit more."

And then the true meaning of Christmas came through

And Bertram gained the strength of ten Bertram's! Plus two.

Unfortunately, his muscle systems had to compensate so he lost all of his balance.

He fell off the tree and landed right by the Christmas tree everyone had decorated. He probably broke something but he didn't care. Now, all he wanted was to be with these people. These people who knew the true meaning of Christmas.

He stood up and joined them. Then, as if on cue, everyone started humming "holy night".

Slowly fade to black with perhaps a sleigh flying through the air in the background. Yeah. That looks good. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

I don't really have anything to say. Since you weren't very good (that's right, I saw that.) I won't be saying anything about anybody. Good day! I said Good Day!


	11. Chapter 11:Revival of the Fanfic

Chapter 11: The revival of the Fanfic

Chapter 11: The revival of the Fanfic.

I know I was gone for about a year but I'm starting to get back into it. Let's see if I can pick up where I left off.

Since I'm finally returning to the Chris, fry, and bender story I'd like to clear a few things up that I was mistaken about. I've watched a lot more Futurama now and I now know that the only time that bender acts drunk is when he's sober, the old guy's name is Professor Farnsworth, and it's not Headquarters, it's Planet Express. And another thing, time travel wasn't possible even in Futurama, unless you count the movie. Let's assume that this after the movie.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except the OCs I created. (Rachel, Heather, Butty, J.Z.)

Time: Unknown

The time machine appeared in a flash of color of your own choice. Chris, bender, and fry stepped out.

"Where are we?" asked fry.

They looked around. They saw a misty mountain passage. Before they could speak they saw figures ahead. They were walking towards them.

"Behind the rocks!" said Chris. As they hid behind some boulders they saw a group of monks walking and in the middle was something that they didn't expect to see. Another Chris was walking slowly followed by another bender and another Fry. All of them appeared about 10 years older.

"Holy cow!" said chris, "This is weirder than some kind of cheap twilight zone remake!"

"I know," said bender, "What could we possibly be doing with monks?"

"Maybe they're taking us back to their temple so they can worship us." Said fry.

The other two just looked at him.

"It could happen!" he urged.

Well, I don't know what they're doing but I'm gonna find out!" said chris. With that he ran off.

"Bender, we'd better follow him."

"Nah, the kid'll be fine."

"How do you know?"

"Because," Said Bender confidently, "Nobody dies when the plot is destined to have a happy ending. This is a comedy, and the hero never loses in a comedy. Except for that time we saw that one play."

Cut scene--

The planet express team is watching "Joseph and the amazing Technicolor dream coat".

The annoying narrator lady comes out and starts singing.

"Joseph, Poor poor poor Joseph! What are you going to do now?

Joseph, Poor poor poor Joseph! What are you going to do now?

Joseph, Poor poor poor Joseph! Stuck in a cell!"

Joseph stands and looks at her.

"Hey instead of singing like a drunken gorilla why don't you actually help me ya bitch?!"

Back at their seats Leela is disgruntled.

"This play is like some pothead infant from the seventies found the bible in his parents drawer, copied it on a typewriter blindfolded, and then faxed it to his monkey friend to write the lyrics."

Fry slapped his forehead.

"No wonder this play seemed familiar!"

(A/N: No offense to anybody who likes this play. Wait a second, yes offense! Get some better taste in theatre you freaks!)

End Cut scene--

"Alright fine!" said bender, "We'll follow him. But you owe me!"

And with that they ran off after Chris.

At the temple, the monks had just arrived with the older set of time travelers. Chris was hiding behind a boulder when he was joined by Fry and Bender. They looked on to see what was going on.

"Attention! We have come here to sacrifice these outsiders to the god almighty Liet Kynes!" (Dune is such a good book!)

"Crap!" said the older bender, "I hate being sacrificed!"

Then they placed them in a cage.

"So how are you gonna kill us?" asked Fry.

"We shall not give you food for a couple of weeks. Our religion forbids us from killing by hand."

"Then why do you need to sacrifice for your god? Isn't the definition of sacrifice something that you kill by hand to appease a god?"

"who the hell are you, the word police? Anyways, we're also squeamish so we'll come back in a couple of years to back sure that all the flesh is gone and we don't have to see it."

"What a bunch of wimps!" said bender.

"Oh yeah?" said the monk leader angrily, "Well in a couple weeks you'll be sorry! You'll all be like 'oh great master monk, we're so hungry and sorry! We should've never have doubted your greatness.' and I'll be all like 'well that's just too bad!' but then I'll feel bad and give you some burgers. But I won't put ketchup on them! Bwahahaha!"

Chris looked terrified.

"You monster!"

The monks got more serious.

"We must leave now. But we will be back in a few months."

They all left.

The group relaxed in their cage.

"Wow," said Fry, "I never thought we'd have trouble dealing a bunch of guys who worship MarthaStewart-ism." (No joke, that's what they actually worship.)

"Well Fry," said Bender, taking out a cigar. "That's what they said about Scientology. And now look! They make the earth's leading brand of Day by day calendars."

Cut scene--

A small boy gets out of bed in the morning.

"Okay quote calendar. Let's see what you have to say for Thursday."

He rips of the sheet and reads it.

"And Zoltar said 'we must capture the souls of this alien race and take them to earth. We shall put them in a giant movie theatre and run a bunch of movies about religion and beliefs thereby brainwashing them! Plus we'll also show them the complete Star Trek because, I mean come on! Then we shall release them into the air where they shall take the forms of various balloons! They shall drift into the bodies of the local monkeys and create the human race! So as I have said it, so shall it come to pass!' with that he returned to his quarters and smoked the rest of the pot. –Zoltar 8 90 12."

End Cut Scene--

"Besides," said Bender, "We're in a metal cage… with metal bars… and I'm a robot designed to bend metal… do the math genius."

"Oh man," whined Chris, "I hate Math!"

"I'll bend the freakin' bars! I'll bend the freakin' bars!" yelled Bender.

With that he stood up and tried to bend the bars.

"Crap! These bars are too strong." Said bender, "We'd need 2 of me to bend these."

"Well," said the younger bender, coming out from behind the boulder. "That's my cue."

"Holy Crap!" said the older bender. "Someone must've sold me the wrong kind of cigars again."

"Nah, we're just time travelers."

Soon the other two came out from behind the boulder.

"Well, now that all the questions are answered," said the older bender, "Why not help me bend these bars?"

"It would be my function."

The two benders grabbed hold of the bars and bended as hard as they could. The metal bars slowly gave way and they were free.

"All right," said the old bender, "I'm free! Thanks younger me."

"Don't mention it."

They then hugged and in the process stole each others wallets.

All of a sudden the monk leader burst in holding a large book.

"Hah!" he said, "I looked 'sacrifice' up in the dictionary and it says: 'The act of making an offering to a deity, in worship or atonement.' And it also says- Hey! Wait a minute! What's going on here?"

They all stood frozen for a couple of seconds and then fry spoke up.

"Speaking of dictionaries, did you know gullible is not in the dictionary?"

"It's not?"

"No, no. you can check if you want."

"All right I will!" he started flipping pages. "Hey wait a minute!"

"Run!" yelled the older chris as they jumped out the window.

"The prisoners have escaped!" shouted the monk, "After them!"

A long chase followed. They ran along the valley floor and up a mountain path. The monks were quickly gaining on them. Rocks whizzed past heir heads to try and knock them out. All of a sudden they stopped and were overlooking a 500 foot drop! It was a dead end!

"We're trapped!" yelled the younger Fry.

"We're boned." Said the younger bender.

"Not yet we're not." Said the older bender with finality. He opened up a control compartment on his canister-like torso and entered in some co-ordinates. Nothing happened for a few seconds and the monks were almost right on top of them. They all screamed for a couple of seconds but were then cut off when they were surrounded by a flash of green light. In seconds they had disappeared.

Well that was easier to write than expected. I hope it enshrouds their fate in a fog of mystery. I'd like to use the rest of the chapter to go back to the main plot.

Location: somewhere in Ohio.

The crew of Stewie, Brian, Rachel, Fez, Meg, and Napoleon were in better spirits because they had the third piece of the mega suit. They were trying to decide where to go next when some problems started to arise. This is how it went down:

They were all in the bus on an interstate when Brian drove up to a fork in the road. Also, there were two ways to go. Since there was nobody else on the road, brian decided to stop until they knew which one was the right path.

"Go right." Said Stewie, half buried in calculations.

"No, go left." Said Rachel, over Brian's shoulder. "It's faster."

"Like hell it is!" said Stewie looking up now. "This interstate merges off into a subnet of possible directions. Going right will have more exits."

"But the left way will have less people on it. It'll be faster, believe me."

"Less people? Nobody's on the road you twit!"

"That's because we're in between rushes. The lunch rush is in two hours! And don't call me a twit, you sadistic excuse for a football!"

Now everybody in bus looked up to hear this fight.

"Stop!" yelled Brian, "Let's not get personal."

"Brian," said Stewie, taking a few steps back. "Why should we trust her anyway? We don't even know her. She's so secretive about herself. How do we know she's not evil?"

Rachel was caught off guard by this.

"Me, Evil?" she said, appalled. "You're planning world domination! You're the evil one!"

"Yes," he said slowly. "But it's okay because I'm soooooo cute!"

All of a sudden fez stood up.

"I agree with stewie," he said, "In the Seventies we are very open to things."

"Now wait fez," said Rachel, "Since when do you get an opinion? Why are you even on this trip? We got what we wanted from you, what makes you think we won't just throw you out on the side of the road?"

"Hey you can't talk to Fez like that!" said meg standing up.

"Oh so now you're in love with fez?" asked Napoleon accusing.

"Well, I mean he's my friend and"

"Oh so now you're just going to throw me aside like used tissue." Jeered Fez, "Well Fez doesn't hang that way baby!"

"Go ahead Meg," Said Rachel, enjoying Meg's predicament. "Tell us who you're really with!"

Meg stood embarrassed for a couple of minutes because both guys were looking directly at her waiting. Rachel started laughing.

"Hey, you can't laugh at her!" yelled Stewie, angry. "She's my sister, My lame fugly sister!"

After that it was just a torrent of insults. (Fun activity: match the insults up with their targets!)

"You wannabe hat wearing loser!"

"You goofy haired bucked teeth retard!"

"You mangy little spy!"

"You dark-skinned perverted funny talking closet homo!"

"You tiny sadistic megalomaniac!"

"STOP!" yelled Brian. "You idiots have to stop right now or I'll chew your eyes out. I think that we're all just a little stressed out from driving so much. We need to find some way to relax as a group."

"I have just the thing!" said Fez pulling out a brown paper bag.

--

If you've watched "That '70s Show" then you know how the circle works. It only show a shoulder shot of one person at a time and the camera rotates in a circle so everyone has their input. By the way, they're high.

Rachel: Oh yeah, that's relaxing.

Fez: I know. I've wanted to share this with you guys for weeks. Does anyone have any toast?

Stewie: Hahahahahahaha. Oh my God, Fez. You are frikin' hilarious man! When did you get so fing Hilarious?

Brian: Hahahaha. D-d-dude! Man! D-dude man! This is so awesome. If you're in a car going the speed of light, what happens when you turn the headlights on?

Napoleon: Whoa man! You just blew my mind!

Meg: This is awesome! I'm finally popular! This must be what the cool kids always do! Hey you guys, am I starting to look more attractive?

Rachel: That only works with beer… and no. God, it's like all the colors fell out their places!

Fez: This is all fine and good but someone needs to make some toast! I'm serious.

Stewie: this is really great you guys. I mean I love you guys. You guys are my bestest friends. Oh, dude! My hands. They're like… flesh colored!

Brian: Oh my god, oh my god! You guys gotta hear this. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Napoleon: Oh! I've heard this one! Orange you glad I didn't say banana. Whoa man… I'm trippin'. And flyin'. I'm flytrippin'!

Meg: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Rachel: Oh man Brian… you're so cool, it makes want to make out with you. (She jumps to a different spot.)

Fez: Hey! You're violating the rules of the circle! No making out! No deep puzzling questions! And for god sakes someone better make some freakin toast or else!

Stewie: Oh, Oh sorry fez man. I have to go to the –hahahaha- thing at the… um place. (He gets up and walks into the closet.) Oh my God you all turned into coats!

Brian: (Making out with Rachel).

Napoleon: hey, you guys wanna see some sweet moves?

Meg: This reminds me of the time I … oh wait. I forget. Hahahahahahaha.

Rachel: (Making out with Brian).

Fez: Ok. That is it! No one is making toast so this circle is over! (He gets up and airs the RV out.)

Well that's my eleventh chapter. Please read and review. Nothing really happened in the main plot but that doesn't mean it wasn't entertaining. Whoa, dude…


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